The Decline

Went for my last lesson for this week and it was such a disaster. I thought that my week had been bad enough, with students not giving a shit about learning on Tuesday and students complaining my game was boring (as compared to the previous week's game) on Wednesday. I was wrong. Horribly wrong. I went to the lesson half an hour early with the marked worksheet and decided on what to teach each student. 15minutes into the lesson and I was still waiting. Alone. In the classroom. Only at the 15th minute mark did 1 student step into my class. 1 student out of a freaking class of 6.

I felt a surge of despair and guilt as I spent the entire 2 hours fixated on 1 student. I felt so bad for screwing up the lives of the students as they must have skipped my lesson to go for makeup lessons, meaning to say I'm a useless teacher who can't even teach properly. Even for that one student, I couldnt teach properly as he was a slower learner, hence making me slightly exasperated. Exasperation compounded by my sense of guilt just threw me into a deep hole of shit. Think I should just give up on this path and source for alternatives, instead of screwing the lives of students who are unluckily placed in my class. 

Since there is still 1 month of relief tutoring left, I shall just persevere and strive hard to lessen my guilt. In the meantime, I need some Running Man and Mango-Orange-yogurt smoothie to ease my depression. 

"Life is a marathon, there are times you're ahead and times you're behind. But ultimately it's merely a race with yourself" 

(thanks to a special friend for this inspiring motivation:)

Efforts not appreciated. So much for putting in so much time and effort into designing and writing notes, planning the lesson and trying to find interesting videos to engage the class. Kids who are not even interested in helping themselves. I really cannot understand why these kids still come to tuition despite being indifferent about learning and come here just to waste time and money. Not only that, they are disturbing others' learning experiences. Every passing moment further compound the doubt that I cast on myself. Halfway through my disastrous lesson I felt super guilty for not being able to achieve what I wanted the class to achieve. Lesson today sucked, but I shall persevere for the remaining one month of relief tutoring. In the meantime, an exotic flavored Chocolate Coconut Pocky to make my day slightly better.

Passion vs Strength

Today's tuition didnt go as well as expected. Despite planning so much and putting in so much effort trying to make sure the students understand, I doubt my efforts and patience was appreciated as it was drowned in the students' noises and handphone addictions. Babbling in their own groups, playing with their phones in class. Whatever. Honestly, I don't care about what individuals do in my class. "If it is not meant from the heart, it is not worth doing it". If you are not interested in my class, so be it. I won't expend energy trying to engage you in the class as it is not worth my effort and it is unfair to others who are truly interested in learning. So I dedicate my remaining energy and passion to delivering the lessons to those who are truly interested in learning, who truly want to make their money worth, who truly want to understand the mysterious beauty of learning. I believe, since you are matured enough to walk from your home to my class, you should be matured enough to understand the importance of paying attention. So I shall not waste time and effort trying to teach basic manners and principles of learning.

During the afternoon over lunch I was discussing with my mum and decided that I will go for teaching career upon graduation because of my passion in communicating with kids. However halfway through my lesson today, I doubted my capabilities. If I can't even control a small class of 8 how am I supposed to teach classes in future? If I can't teach a simple Math concept efficiently how am I supposed to make significant improvements to the kids' results?

Passion is one thing. Strength is another thing. People say if you like what you're doing you become good at it. But for my case they are two different things. I am not good at what I am passionate in. So which road should I take?

Credits: http://www.pinterest.com/explore/lucas-scott/

Relief Tutoring

1st day of hectic lifestyle: Internship in the daytime, tutoring at tuition centre at night time.

Thankfully, my internship is quite chill and has relatively flexible working hours, so I am able to rush back in time for tuition. There is supposed to be a company cohesion event where we go to the boss' house and he cooks for us. But because of this tutoring assignment which I signed up for a couple of weeks back, I have no choice but to forgo the seemingly fun event. I was really half-hearted when I went for tuition as I kept imagining how fun it would be if I were at the event instead, talking crap and playing crazily with my fellow bunch of interns.

Guess what? I was wrong. Cohesion does look fun, but I had a great time with the kids too! Despite being rowdy in nature and me being inefficient (I only cleared 2 pages of worksheet in 2 hours), I really enjoyed my time with them. Time flew when I was in the classroom. I have to admit I am not a good tutor as I dont force students to do work and I talk alot of random stuffs in class. But the thing is I don't like to force people to do things. As such I adopt a chill approach when teaching. This sort of creates a dilemma where I enjoy interacting with the children, yet I fear I am not helping them in their education path. I am able to talk to them at lengths but I encounter difficulties communicating concepts to them. I enjoy talking to them but I am not fulfilling my mission. Should I really continue considering this career path then?

You can't have your cake and eat it.

Indeed, what you love doing and what you're good at may not be the same thing.
What is lucrative may not be where your passion lies in.
Sad 2-sided stories of life.
What should I choose then?

Credits: http://mylovelyquotes.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/tumblr_md340jZkTB1r5meqxo1_1280.jpg