SHY'14

In the blink of an eye, this is the 3rd SHY I have went for. It seemed like it was just yesterday when I donned in a white tee shirt and walking up the stairs to MPSH, greeted by groups of strangers who gradually turned into important puzzles forming part of my life. Now, it is already the 2nd batch of freshies that I am welcoming to Sheares Hall. Not a councillor, not a block commer. This time, it was on a voluntary basis and I was really glad I went for SHY.

It was horribly awkward at the start, with me retreating to a corner not knowing who to talk to. All the freshies were playing games and those close to me had already moved to other halls. I really felt like just leaving the place as there was just no one whom I can talk to. Luckily, some familiar faces approached me and eased my awkwardness. If not for them I bet I'd be on the MRT home half an hour after I reached SHY. I guess this is another new chapter of my book. I had to deal with all these awkwardness, getting used to being alone and making new friends again. All new freshies in my short wing, no more familiar year 3 seniors around to talk about what happened during our years, some people distancing away for I dont know what reasons. Sad it may be, but I know I have to learn to deal with it. Thankfully, from the interactions I had with the freshies, they seem like a bunch of nice people who are patient and fun to talk to, so I guess my assimilation process will be eased:) Hopefully I am able to deal with this huge change in social environment and that my final year in Sheares Hall will be a happy one:)

The new blk d family

Sad truth of life
credits: http://quotes-lover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/You-have-to-realize-that-people-change.-Sometimes-they-end-up-having-nothing-to-say-to-each-other-even-best-friends-grow-apart-250x250.jpg

The Decline

Went for my last lesson for this week and it was such a disaster. I thought that my week had been bad enough, with students not giving a shit about learning on Tuesday and students complaining my game was boring (as compared to the previous week's game) on Wednesday. I was wrong. Horribly wrong. I went to the lesson half an hour early with the marked worksheet and decided on what to teach each student. 15minutes into the lesson and I was still waiting. Alone. In the classroom. Only at the 15th minute mark did 1 student step into my class. 1 student out of a freaking class of 6.

I felt a surge of despair and guilt as I spent the entire 2 hours fixated on 1 student. I felt so bad for screwing up the lives of the students as they must have skipped my lesson to go for makeup lessons, meaning to say I'm a useless teacher who can't even teach properly. Even for that one student, I couldnt teach properly as he was a slower learner, hence making me slightly exasperated. Exasperation compounded by my sense of guilt just threw me into a deep hole of shit. Think I should just give up on this path and source for alternatives, instead of screwing the lives of students who are unluckily placed in my class. 

Since there is still 1 month of relief tutoring left, I shall just persevere and strive hard to lessen my guilt. In the meantime, I need some Running Man and Mango-Orange-yogurt smoothie to ease my depression. 

"Life is a marathon, there are times you're ahead and times you're behind. But ultimately it's merely a race with yourself" 

(thanks to a special friend for this inspiring motivation:)

Passion vs Strength

Today's tuition didnt go as well as expected. Despite planning so much and putting in so much effort trying to make sure the students understand, I doubt my efforts and patience was appreciated as it was drowned in the students' noises and handphone addictions. Babbling in their own groups, playing with their phones in class. Whatever. Honestly, I don't care about what individuals do in my class. "If it is not meant from the heart, it is not worth doing it". If you are not interested in my class, so be it. I won't expend energy trying to engage you in the class as it is not worth my effort and it is unfair to others who are truly interested in learning. So I dedicate my remaining energy and passion to delivering the lessons to those who are truly interested in learning, who truly want to make their money worth, who truly want to understand the mysterious beauty of learning. I believe, since you are matured enough to walk from your home to my class, you should be matured enough to understand the importance of paying attention. So I shall not waste time and effort trying to teach basic manners and principles of learning.

During the afternoon over lunch I was discussing with my mum and decided that I will go for teaching career upon graduation because of my passion in communicating with kids. However halfway through my lesson today, I doubted my capabilities. If I can't even control a small class of 8 how am I supposed to teach classes in future? If I can't teach a simple Math concept efficiently how am I supposed to make significant improvements to the kids' results?

Passion is one thing. Strength is another thing. People say if you like what you're doing you become good at it. But for my case they are two different things. I am not good at what I am passionate in. So which road should I take?

Credits: http://www.pinterest.com/explore/lucas-scott/